Technology article: Telepathy Over IP Invented!

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There have been so many patent infringement suits lately! Admittedly, I'm not a patent expert by any means, but the patents in question seem to be very broad, open to interpretation and based on concepts rather than real inventions. So, I've been thinking that it shouldn't be too difficult to imagine a few concepts of my own, patent them, and then sit on them until I spot some innovative company with deep pockets that I can sue.

Luckily, for the last several months, my technology and communications news feeds have been filled with hundreds of articles about Vonage patent law suits, Apple i-everything, and Microsoft Unified Communications. All of this input has given me the necessary inspiration to come up with my first "concept patent". I believe history will show that Al Gore invented the Internet, Microsoft invented Unified Communications, Apple invented the greatest number of uses for the lowercase i, and that I invented Telepathy Over IP (ToIP). What follows are some attributes of my invention that I intend to patent next week.

ToIP is almost identical to VoIP. With VoIP, we digitize and packetize voice then transmit it across IP networks. With ToIP, instead of digitizing sounds, we digitize thoughts. Like VoIP, ToIP will have a variety of CODECs namely:

* i-729, the equivalent of G.729. Actual thoughts are not transmitted, only facsimiles. Works well most of the time, but not ideally suited for transmitting that song in your head.

* i.711, the equivalent of G.711. Requires more bandwidth than i-729 and has some fidelity limitations. Thoughts are transmitted adequately but they lack emotion.

* i.722, the equivalent of G.722. Very high fidelity CODEC. Presents some security issues, since it will be difficult to differentiate your own thoughts from somebody else's. It may also complicate the diagnosis of schizophrenia.

I intend to negotiate licensing deals with both Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. ToIP will enable a plethora of new i-Devices that use ToIPOW (Telepathy Over IP Over Wireless). For example the i-Think, a small device that is permanently imbedded under (and irritates) your skin. You simply think of a song, and you begin to hear it in your head, all in beautiful 32-channel surround sound. Super-HD OLED displays that fit in your pocket and fold out to 60" screens will become obsolete since the physical media for viewing images will no longer be required with the advent of the i-See. Of course, we will have to deal with the record and motion picture industries who will want to impose DRM on thinking about music or movies.

Security will be even more critical than it is with VoIP. The implications of a lack of confidence in ToIP security will result in a whole population that can't trust that little voice inside their head. However, the first priority will be to achieve mass adoption of ToIP based services. Once everyone has switched to ToIP, we can start to figure out the security aspects (as we do today with all new IP based services).

My ToIP invention will enable Unified Communications 3.0 (trendy title don't you think?). The earlier UC 2.0, will use Microsoft's patent on brainwave-to-computer interfaces. However, that interface required surgical brain implants and messy wiring. With UC 3.0, Microsoft's delusions about their current UC 1.0's capabilities will be realized (check out their I-Know Video). With UC 3.0, verbal communications will seem downright primitive and will likely become illegal.

Now you might be thinking, "great concept", but there is no interface that can capture and digitize human thoughts and therefore the concept is not plausible or patentable. Well, I thought of that too, and I believe that the following will convince you otherwise.

You see, an increasing number of physicists and scientists believe that there are parallel universes; in fact, there may be an infinite number of parallel universes. That being the case, there is another version of our planet where ToIP is ubiquitous, and someone on that planet realizes that we require a ToIP interface. What's needed is an inter-dimensional network standard that will allow the build-instructions for the ToIP interface to be transferred to us. So, I propose that we create an i-DAN (Inter-Dimensional Area Network). The i-DAN (I will license this to Apple also) will be based on a wireless standard since the idea of a wired inter-dimensional connection is just silly. Since there are an infinite number of parallel universes, i-DANs already exist and the information is currently being transmitted; we just need to tune in. Now, I'm thinking that i-DAN signals are rather weak and that's why we haven't detected them yet. I propose that SETI stop wasting time scanning millions of frequencies across the entire sky. ETs from the other dimensions have been desperately trying to communicate but we keep changing the channel! Rather, they should focus all of their telescope arrays at a specific spot in the sky and tune all the receivers to say, 3.62Ghz. Why that frequency? No particular reason except that inter-dimensional communications will be easier if we stick to a single frequency.

So there you have it. I believe I have invented the technology that will enable Unified Communications 3.0 and a large number of revolutionary i-Devices. I don't intend to build any of these devices. I will just sue anyone that develops a service using ToIP if they haven't bought my licensing rights. Are you ready for the future?

Now, i-Think, I'll take my pills and go to bed.

Rick McCharles
Telecom Consultant, RIC Services , Toronto

About the author of Telepathy Over IP Invented!

IP Communications and Technology RIC Services